by John Seymour

If you are single, there is one thing you can do that may well have a bigger impact on your quality of life than anything else, at least if the research is anything to go by. Yes, you guessed – creating a loving relationship that works for you and your partner.

Three years ago I set out to discover whether I could find a loving relationship using the skills of NLP. The answer I found is yes, but… you have to believe it is possible, you have to be motivated enough, and you need to know how to. I modelled a number of people who had been successful. This blog will give you the basic principles, but not all the NLP detail. If you want more, let me know, and I’ll write the extended version.

1. Check Your Beliefs and Start
First, check out your beliefs. You have to believe it is possible. This belief is a necessity for success, not an option. If you believe it is not possible, then this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So do you believe that the right person for you is out there somewhere? If not, start practising.

Next, are you motivated enough to start? Good. You need to start meeting highly compatible people. Choose one of the online sites. I used The Guardian Soulmates site – it’s a bit more upmarket than most. Google it and check it out. Make it a rule to enjoy each stage from here on in. Join and start checking out profiles (including the competition).

2. Get Clear
Get clear about your top ten criteria/qualities by asking what’s important to you in a partner. Write your criteria down, and with each one figure out how you will recognise it – or the lack of it (sensory based evidence). Now take your time to do the best job you can of writing your profile and taking the best photos you can. Model other good profiles. Your profile should attract the kind of person you want, but be unattractive to the rest. You want quality, not quantity. Choose a close friend to help you. Get your profile up and running on the site.

3. Be Proactive
Drop TV and plan to spend at least an hour a day on your new online activity. Take your time getting used to how the system works, the ‘favourites’ category, etc. Enjoy the excitement of the first week. People will contact you with email messages. Get used to giving and receiving ‘no’s elegantly. Notice how others do this well. Always remember every ‘no’ brings you one step closer to the person you want. Be proactive in contacting your favourites. Focus on your top five front runners – they will keep changing – and keep your criteria firmly in mind. Practise non-attachment. Your aim is to move to phone conversations with front runners only when you are congruent, or sure you want to (5 or 10 texts usually).

4. Start Talking
I think it’s best to make an appointment for your first phone chat – it’s a special occasion. This is the first time you’ll get a sense of interactive chemistry – or lack of it. Enjoy the conversation whether it is ten minutes or two hours. If they are a no, find an elegant way of saying that, and wish them well. If not, take time to reflect and write up anything you want to remember – there will be a lot more conversations. How much do you want to talk with them again? I found it helped to give the quality a score out of 10 – remember, you need to keep track of your front runners. After a few phone conversations you will know if you want to meet up.

By now you will have had quite a few emotional ups and downs – the roller-coaster effect. Think of the whole process as a course in personal development, and notice what you learn about yourself. It is also really important to have a friend or buddy as a support system to keep you resilient and bouncing back. Without this you are likely to lose motivation.

5. Meeting Up
On meeting, I found daytime was best for a coffee or lunch, at a place chosen by the woman (safety is an issue). Relax, enjoy, and be yourself. It is counter productive to give a false impression. What will be, will be. Notice the interaction, notice the chemistry. If you’d like to meet again, say so. If not, end with the elegant ‘no’. Throughout the whole process you have some surprises and you will be getting better at spotting the qualities that matter.

6. Is this ‘The One’
By somewhere around the third meeting you will have talked openly about what you are each looking for, and if compatible enough, you will both want to sign off from dating to pursue this relationship in earnest. This will either work out well, or it won’t, and you carry on meeting interesting people. Avoid spending time in a relationship that doesn’t meet enough of your criteria. Move on, the right person is out there.

7. Rough Guidelines
As a very rough guideline, a few email messages a day leads to a few phone calls a week, which leads to a few meetings a month, which is likely to lead to a relationship in around a year – as long as you keep going. Of course this is the briefest of outlines, and there is so much more to be said about each and every stage. I would be happy to write an article on each of these steps if there is interest, so get in touch or leave a comment below. There could be an online book, an online video, half-day courses and skype coaching to boot… For the moment, I hope this is article useful to you, or someone you know who is single, but interested?

And yes, it did work for me, as it has for others I have coached through the process. It took me a year to find a wonderful woman. Two years later and we have manifested a shared home and a life that we count ourselves very fortunate to enjoy. May your quest be also blessed.

Many Thanks to Willy D for the photo, we found this on Flickr using a creative commons search.